i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
