Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
