they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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