I think scott just propositioned me for sex
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
