The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
