Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
