I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
