He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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