Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
As shirtless as possible
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
