I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
