i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
