2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
