My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
