I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
false alarm. still invincible.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
