Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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