sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
