I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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