Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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