I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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