finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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