I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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