When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
