Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
