Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
