I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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