Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
