an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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