I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
