If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
