Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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