My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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