At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
