Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
