I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
