My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i dont even know how to be here
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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