I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Randomize
