hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
