I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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