No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.