If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i love accidental penises.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are