I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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