You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
