Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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