the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
