is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
