Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
