No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
