capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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