You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize