oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
