Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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