The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
