Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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