i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
