you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize