All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.