Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!