True but thats because hes a fetus.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
