Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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