even my farts smell like vagina
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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