well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
