I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
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i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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